My Amends to myself
My AMENDS to myself-Victoria A
May 11, 2023
Dear Vicki.
I am just going to be honest, and straightforward. I just did not know any other way to treat you and be you. I did not know that it was acceptable to be nice, caring, compassionate and loving to others – never mind to you. It was not taught to me how to have these characteristics or how to utilize them.
I was taught that love was to buy affection. I was taught that negative reinforcement was love. Punishment was approval and acceptance.
Deep down, unconsciously, I knew this was wrong, for I saw and felt real love from others – but that was foreign to me. And I craved it but was so damn afraid of it because it was not the norm == I pushed it away- I RAN far from it.
For that I am sorry.
I am sorry for putting you through years of self-punishment, degrading, self-inflicted hatred and loathing.
Putting you into positions to get hurt intentionally.
For not sticking up for you.
Not believing in you.
Also, for allowing others to belittle you and to destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. What I am most apologetic for is not loving you enough to allow The Spirit to reside in you to love you in a way that ONLY HE CAN DO!
I can’t promise you that every day I am going to be compassionate, loving, kind and caring – but the difference today is that I am willing to try, and that when I am not, I will and can catch myself; and try to rectify the situation.
I can honestly say, that today – I feel like we, you Vicki and me, Victoria are one step closer to being friends and are continually working on accepting each other as we are. There’s no closing the door here. Only open roads to freedom.
