A Personal Story
I had a very traumatic childhood riddled with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. My recovery has been inexplicable, to say the least. One of the greatest tools that was passed on to me by working the 12 steps, as they are laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, is forgiveness.
I was at my nephew’s house for Christmas Eve a few years ago. He had a treasure trove of family memories including many pictures and keepsakes from my childhood. He acquired them when my father died and the family home was cleared out. I, along with my siblings at the time of my dad’s death, were still clinging to resentment and wanted nothing to do with childhood memories. Many years had passed by now. My mom, dad, brother (my nephew’s dad), and sister were all deceased.
I felt ready, excited even, to go through the boxes and see the photos and keepsakes. And so I began. It was wonderful to see myself (which I never had) as a little girl, full of innocense, beauty, love, and Spirit. I now knew, that this part of me was untouchable, unchageable, fully accessible, and in tact.
“As it was in the beggining, is now and ever shall be” is in me.
The whole experience was profoundly moving. I could see myself just as a little girl less the ‘content’. The content was no longer good or bad, it just was.
I came across a timeline I had written in the 4th grade. A flood of memories came rushing into my awareness. I noticed, in that moment, there was no pain associated with the memories…hmmmm…no pain
I read the timeline.
I had written an entry of how my mom and dad were telling us (me and my siblings) the funny story about how they had harnassed and tied me to the clothes line (like a dog) regularly, when I was 2 years old, because I was ‘all over the place’ and they couldn’t manage me.
In that instant I recalled the decades this memory had haunted and defined me yet…
I had completely forgotten about this!
In fact I hadn’t thought about it in years…
This is the power of forgiveness and the gift of freedom it bestows.
In this moment of remembering I merely smiled with gratitude.
-Brenda H
