Infinite God vs Finite Self
I was literally spiritually pulled, to move south. There was almost no forethought when looking for a new place, “as close to NY as I can get” I thought. It felt right, the timing was good, and something was going to happen. I felt it in my bones. So, I moved. Everything seamlessly fell into place. I found the perfect new digs, no problems at all with the movers or the new utility and internet set ups (what??). “I’m home” I sighed, “I’m finally home.”
That night, during a deep meditation, the words “Lisa Miller Lisa Miller Lisa Miller”, three times exactly, entered my awareness. “Lisa Miller?” I thought. “Hmmm. I haven’t thought about her since last summer”. I had read “The Awakened Brain” with my daughter to introduce her to the concept of spirituality and I was mesmerized by it. The book was enlightening, miraculous, inspiring, and deeply moving. After meditation I went and looked her name up on the internet.
“Lisa Miller”, click “…is the New York Times bestselling author of The Spiritual Child and a professor in the Clinical Psychology Program at Teachers College, Columbia University”. “Columbia University” I thought, “just a short train ride away from my workplace.” Interesting. I took a deep breath. I already knew what I was supposed to do, so I just…did it. I applied to Columbia’s Teachers College where Lisa Miller founded the Spirituality Mind and Body Institute (SMBI).
Hmmm.
About four weeks after I applied, the email came to schedule an interview. “Oooooo!! I’m not rejected yet!” Butterflies!! I was offered interview times for the following day (Friday or Monday). I paused and asked Spirit for guidance. Without hesitation, Spirit chose Friday.
Frankly, I hadn’t studied the course material carefully, really. I knew Spirit was calling me to do this, so I trusted in that. The email said to be prepared to answer, “Why SMB?” I looked through all the course material so I could answer knowledgeably if it came up. As I closely read the course material, the structure of the program, the cohort and practicum, my heart skipped a beat. This program was not what I expected at all. It was so much more! Experiential, thought provoking, intimate, and personal. It wasn’t the typical ‘classroom lecture’ followed by exams. It was the opposite, really. At its core is the participants’ expression of spirituality! This program was right up my alley! It was exactly what I’d been looking for – even though I had no idea I was looking for anything!
In meditation that night, I wept with gratitude. This program was so suited for my heart and gave me a path to accomplish my spiritual dreams. I didn’t know something like that existed. In that moment of heart felt gratitude and weeping, God said “I knew.” Now I’m really bawling! This direct connection with the divine, the divine that lives IN ME, expresses THROUGH me, that which IS ME, that which I clearly have access to at any time, is by far the most incredible, life changing, comforting, knowingness of all knowingness’s!! I am still in awe each time I experience this direct conscious contact.
It’s the day of the interview. My mind (oh boy) is spinning “Breathe, breathe, breathe!” I remind myself, “It’s all up to the Universe. It is what it is.” OMYGOSH I wanna go!!!”
I get home early from work so I can zoom from the comfort and serenity of my new home. I put on a Dr. Jessica mediation (theta waves yaay!) and I meditate.
No sooner had I reached a calm alpha wave state, I receive a divine vibration. It says:
“This isn’t about you. Relax.”
Of course! I completely forgot! None of this is about me, it never is. This is about God, the Divine, the Creator of all that IS. This has nothing to do with me! I was back to my authentic self for the interview. I was relaxed and unrehearsed.
The interview begins. A lovely, inviting, calm woman appeared on the screen.
The first thing she said was “I’m so glad to be sharing this space with you.”
What a wonderful way to create a connection! And..she did. The conversation flowed.
She asked why I wanted to study Spirituality Mind and Body Focus. I passionately
shared my twelve-step experience (Hyannis format) and the life changing spiritual awakening I experienced as the result of these steps. I described the miracles I’d witnessed in lives of women I’d sponsored through these steps and my dream of sharing this healing with the world.
Then she did something completely unexpected. She paused.
“Thank you for your service.” she said, and she paused again for a moment.
“I lost a brother to addiction” He tried but he never did get it.” Such a profound moment of connection between us. “I’m so sorry for your loss” I gently replied.
“It’s a terrible disease. I know how you feel. I too lost a sibling to addiction.”
Just like that, we were no longer strangers.
The rest of the interview was an exchange between two likeminded people. So much more than I was expecting from an “interview” for graduate school. I am learning through these experiences of divine synchronicity that THIS IS how infinite God works, if I allow it. All that is required of me is to get out of the way and let life unfold. It IS that simple.
But there’s more. Of course!
It’s Wednesday the following week. The day Columbia’s team meets to decide who’s in and who’s not. I smiled when I thought of the possibility of getting into this program, but I smiled also when I thought of NOT getting in. The outcome no longer mattered. The journey had been so profound (as has been the journey for several years now) that I knew and trusted with all my heart, my highest good would be served EITHER WAY!
Thursday arrives. I cerebrally know it will take a few weeks to hear but I check my email anyway, multiple times during the day, laughing at myself each time and being aware of my childlike enthusiasm! It’s good to laugh at myself and be able to observe my behavior without judgment. No news but, “today is Dane Cook!” I thought, “YAY!”. My bestie was coming down from the shoreline (where I just moved from) to see Dane Cook in Port Chester with me. I couldn’t wait for her to see my new place and to go have some good food, fun, and laughs! She was spending the night too! An adult playdate! Love those!
As she was curling her hair in the bathroom, I ventured into the kitchen (I don’t remember why) and as I walked by my computer a subtle divine vibration arrived. It says, “Why don’t you check one more time, it’s ok!” “Hmm” I thought, “kind of obsessive but it would be great to get good news while Evie is here! She is my bestie! How cool would it be to share this moment with her?” Evie went to Columbia years ago and we have been soul sisters through the last arduous few years of deep and painful growth. We had been on parallel paths navigating severe childhood trauma though triggering significant other relationships. Mine had ended, hers in the process of ending. So, I sat down, logged in and clicked my sotuandyou.com Gmail button.
There it was “Teachers College, Columbia University Decision Available”. I nearly vomited. My heart began to race, butterflies in my stomach, hands visibly shaking, I clicked on the email.
A blue screen pops up.
“You prepared your application.”
It goes to another screen (oh my gosh!!)
“Now prepare TO CHANGE THE WORLD.”
Confetti. Confetti. Confetti.
“Congratulations! You’re admitted! Welcome to Teachers College!”
I could barely breathe enough to scream “Eve! Evie!!! Eeeevvvvieeee!!!”
At this point I’m sobbing. She comes running out of the bathroom.
“What? What? What’s wrong?” “I’m going to Columbia!!” I barely got the words out. “I’m going to train under Lisa Miller!! I got in! I got in! I’m going to Columbia!”
We hugged, jumped, hugged, jumped, yelled, screamed and watched the video until it stopped letting us!!!
A new chapter, a passion acknowledged, confirmed, and guided by the Universe. And I got to share this priceless moment of awakening, joy, gratitude, and divinity with my best friend on the planet.
This entire experience, beginning with picking up “The Awakened Brain” (divinely orchestrated), the pull to move, from Lisa Miller’s name entering my meditation a year later to all that happened on the journey to Columbia’s SMBI program is nothing short of miraculous.
What are the odds of being interviewed by someone who could identify with my passion for the lifesaving spiritual awakening the twelve steps can produce? What are the odds that we both lost siblings to addiction. What are the odds of my best friend being present when I received the news.
This IS Infinite God. It resides within me. It is available to me and through me at all times. All I have to do is get out of the way, allow it to express itself, and listen to that expression. To be spiritually guided instead of emotionally driven is one of the greatest gifts I received on this journey of spiritual awakening.
Brenda H
